North American music festivals sure are in a sad state of affairs these days, aren’t they? You would think if there was one year where you would plan, prepare, and do everything humanly possible to ensure something like oh I don’t know the 50th anniversary of Woodstock went off without a hitch…but then there’s the white elephant up here going by the name of Roxodus.
I think the saddest fact about the greatest cock-rock party that never happened is how artists like Kid Rock had it listed on their Spotify page as of July 11th, the very day Roxodus was supposed to take off from an all but abandoned airstrip north of Toronto. Let’s just say the Fyre Festival comparisons definitely aren’t out of line, and not just because there’s a sure-fire documentary to be made on what must have went on behind the scenes. Hopefully Andy King doesn’t make a cameo.
All joking aside kids, there are great lessons to be learned from Michael Lang with regard to the circus that has been Woodstock 50. Never give up on your dream of shyster-ing past and present generations of ticket buyers, even if your permits are denied, your funders back out and production people quit. If you stick to your guns and follow through vision-wise, peaceful music lovers are sure to make the pilgrimage to upstate New York for this milestone, once-again-in-a-lifetime occasion. I know I’m not alone in wanting to relieve the memories of Limp Bizkit breaking stuff in 1999...wait, that’s not the Woodstock we’re talking about? I may have got a little too caught up in this great new podcast series.
Not even Rover Hendrix can save this puppy from being put to sleep. Both Woodstock 50 and Roxodus’ failures have anything to do with the quality of talent that was on their respective lineups, so let’s imagine what could have if organizers, y’know, actually were organized.
Nickelback – Burn It to the Ground
Roxodus’ sketchiest legacy may very well be how bands that were booked are being awfully tight-lipped. Probably a condition of them all getting get paid in advance. When it comes to Roxodus, best that any lingering memory about it is burnt to the ground.
Cheap Trick – Goodnight
We know they were big in Japan, but Cheap Trick would have been my pick to steal the show had I bothered to go to Roxodus. If nothing else, I would have wanted to applaud how they refused to play the Trump-confirming Republican National Convention in 2016.
Lynyrd Skynyrd – Free Bird
It’s pronounced 'Lĕh-'nérd 'Skin-'nérd of course but no matter how you say it, Roxodus is a disaster of Fyre Festival proportions, one that has robbed fans of the Southern rock band’s last-ever Canadian stop on the “Last of the Street Survivors” swan song.
Alice Cooper – School’s Out
How surprised do you think the Godfather of Shock Rock is about what went down with Roxodus? (Gotta think he’s seen it all.) When it comes to the two principals who left thousands of paying customers high and dry I only have two words for them – No. Class!
Machine Gun Kelly – Bad Mother F*cker (feat. Kid Rock)
While I agree he’ll probably be a bad MFer ’til the day he dies, I am not what you’d call a Kid Rock guy. Never was, from the first time I heard “Bawitdaba” right up until he put on his cleanest wifebeater and track pants to visit Drumpf at White Castle.
Aerosmith – Walk This Way
I may have tweeted when Aerosmith were announced as the last Roxodus headliner how that was a mighty impressive “get” for them. How many more times are we legit going to be able to see the Boston Bad Boys before they pack it in, outside of Vegas of course?
Led Zeppelin – Ramble On
No, the vaunted Woodstock brand couldn’t get Led Zep to reunite. Golden locked Robert Plant was slated to be there with his Sensational Space Shifters; he has been ending performances with them by doing “Ramble On”, probably just to piss off Jimmy Page.
Miley Cyrus – Wrecking Ball
New EP She Is Coming aside, many an eyebrow was raised at Cyrus’ prominent placing on the Woodstock 50 lineup. Turns out reactions to her top row inclusion were the LEAST of organizers’ problems. Maybe dear ol’ dad and Lil Nas X could rescue this Titanic!
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
I wouldn’t have thought there’d be anything overly special to a Killers set at Woodstock. After wowing Glastonbury by bringing out Johnny Marr and Pet Shop Boys, turns out Brandon Flowers and company still have a few tricks up their sequined sleeves.
Chance the Rapper – Blessings (Reprise)
After blowing up beyond belief with Coloring Book, Woodstock would have been one of Chance the Rapper’s first concert appearances in 2019 (not counting Kanye West’s “Sunday Service” at Coachella). Denying hippies/hipsters the blessing of his presence!
Halsey – Without Me
I’m still not quite sure what a Halsey is. She isn’t as good a potential singer-actor as Lady Gaga, but has more indie cred than Katy Perry – although nowhere near as much as Billie Eilish. All I know is more estrogen is needed to balance out the bro rock.
Jay-Z and Linkin Park – Numb / Encore
Beyoncé’s husband closing Woodstock by mashing rap with rock would have made a symbolic statement about how far a music genre has come that didn’t even exist back when Jimi Hendrix united what was left of the ’69 crowd through his playing of the US anthem.